The Quarantine Pizza Epiphany

COVID19 has launched a new tradition in the Fay house called "Frozen Pizza Friday." We are uniquely positioned to crown the best bang for your buck frozen pie.

My wife and I are what you could call pizza fans. Though we both will eat just about anything, there are limits to what is acceptable and we each clearly have preferences. What are those limits? Hating pineapple on pizza is a predictable yet totally justified response. Neither of us will go out of our way to consume that. Bacon, chicken, ranch pizzas get the same treatment — would we eat it? Sure. But you’re not getting a penny for it.

Our go to? Pepperoni and mushroom. Simple. Classic. Delicious. Now, despite the appearance of pizza snobbery, when we were broke before we were married we’d occasionally get a Jacks frozen pizza and dress it up with extra cheese and seasoning. It was an easy way to get a moderate level of enjoyment out of a pizza when on a budget. Though we’re not living paycheck to paycheck now like we were 6–8 years ago, given the economic calamity facing planet earth, we’re actively trying to save even more aggressively than we had been before coronavirus. This all leads us to the COVID-19 pizza epiphany.

In my first trip to the grocery store after the great toilet paper raid of 2020, I wandered into the frozen pizza section and discovered every single brand of pizza had been cleared out… Except for one.

Red Baron.

In that moment, I was frustrated. Having not been able to recall a scenario where I had eaten Red Baron before, I assumed because these were the last pizzas left it must have been because they’re not very good. Well that’s nonsense.

Red Baron frozen pizzas are awesome. I think the reason they were the last pizzas left at the beginning of the pandemic was because they’re in a no man’s land of frozen pizza pricing.

In that aisle, your choices are largely between the super cheap Jack’s or Tony’s frozen pies in the $3 and under range. On the higher end of the frozen pizza offerings, you’re looking at $5–7 for a Digiorno or California Pizza Kitchen pie. At that point, you’re better off just getting a Hot N Ready from Little Caesar’s. Red Baron pizza? That’ll set you back $4 and change. No man’s land.

Here’s what Red Baron is: nice, sweet sauce if that’s what you’re into. Great crust for a frozen pizza. It’s the right kind of crispy but not over the top. Some of the frozen pizza crusts become inedible when you cook at the recommended specifications. Red Baron has it right. Lastly, and this is important: the topping/cheese ratio is phenomenal. You don’t need to dress it up like a Jack’s. It’s already there for you. We enjoyed the Baron so much that it has become a Friday night ritual.

After two consecutive phenomenal Red Baron pies, we decided to test the epiphany against a challenger just to make sure we weren’t losing our minds from quarantine life. The challenger? Kirkland Signature. We love Costco. Kirkland brands are usually on point. The craft beer variety pack is half decent. The Colombian coffee is good and unbelievably affordable. The fresh pizzas are great for a Saturday night too. Kirkland Signature brand frozen pies were a natural choice in this study. There was no contest. The texture wasn’t right. It was soggy in the middle yet the crust was stiff. Cheese distribution needed help. It reminded me of hot lunch pizza in elementary school. Cost per pie came in closer to Jack’s or Tony’s but the enjoyment of the product was nowhere close to the level of Red Baron.

So there you have it. Red Baron is the pick.